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Improving Communication.

Communication can be tricky to navigate. With so many variables to consider, it’s easy to see why so many of us struggle with it — sometimes completely oblivious to the fact that we do. Communication isn’t only about how you speak or act, but also about how others perceive you, and their internal workings, beliefs, feelings, etc, as well. This means that there’s no one way to really learn how to communicate, as everyone has different needs and ways they respond to things — but there are some general guidelines you can follow to help you communicate and understand others on a deeper level.

Active Listening:

You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘active listening’ thrown around here and there and shrugged it off, because you listen… right? Well sadly a lot of us don’t listen as actively as we should. We have internal distractions, as well as external distractions. Our phone could go off, we could get distracted by TV, or whatever it is we’re doing at the time. The person talking could say something that sparks a thought/opinion and we spend our time formulating the response instead of absorbing the rest of the information. We could disagree with what the person says and begin brushing off their words. There are a thousand reasons we could be hearing instead of listening.

So, what is active listening?

· Letting others talk — a big one is letting other people talk. Not interrupting them and trying to redirect the conversation to what you want to discuss… just letting them talk about what they’re thinking. Not zoning out and letting your mind wander. Don’t spend your listening time thinking of what you’re going to say next, really listen. Take in every detail they’re offering you and use all the information to form an informed opinion.

· Asking Questions — Always clarify what you think people mean. Ask questions about the points that interest you, and if you don’t understand something they’ve said, or feel there might be a misunderstanding, ask the question. “What did you mean when you said…?” “Is this what you meant by this…?” People want to be heard, and understood; there’s so much room for misinterpretation, so, asking questions to ensure you’ve understood is vital to effective communication.

· Giving Feedback — feedback goes hand in hand with asking questions, as they often overlap each other. Feedback is a big part of active listening. Repeating back what someone has said in your own words shows that you listened and understood (or didn’t understand) the information. Don’t just spew someone’s words back at them though, tell them what their words meant to you. Repeating parts of the information, and adding statements such as “What I’m hearing is…” “What I understand from this is…” “Sounds like you’re saying…” etc, is a perfect way to show that you listened, and convey what you took from it as well. This opens the conversation, allowing them to either explain differently because you didn’t understand, or confirm that you did; leading to them feeling appreciated, heard and overall just great!!

· Showing interest — it might seem silly, but people can feel discouraged when they’re speaking, especially if it doesn’t seem like you’re interested. Lean in to a conversation, give them cues to continue periodically with a nod, a smile, a little ‘yeah’, anything that shows that you’re listening, interested and want them to continue… lets be real, nobody wants to have a conversation with a silent fish that stares with glazed over eyes and no reaction to anything…

Empathy and Respect:

Be respectful and empathetic towards others. Try to understand their feelings, and their point of view.

Attitude:

Keeping a positive attitude and smiling is a simple, yet effective way to improve communication. People will always have a better response and be more open to you if you’re positive and friendly — within reason… don’t be positive and smiling if someone’s telling you bad news for instance…

Key points:

Always start and end what you’re saying with the key points you want them to take away. It’s a good way to really drive home what you’re trying to communicate and ensure people have taken in the information.

Timing and setting:

Different conversations are best left for different situations. Always take into consideration the timing and setting, and alter it depending on what you’re trying to express. For instance, delicate and personal issues with your partner/best-friend don’t really have a place in a public group setting… leave it for a private and quiet place.

Distractions:

When someone’s trying to talk to you, stop watching your show, stop playing your game, stop cooking dinner… pay attention. If the task at hand has a time limit, or you’re not quite in the mood to discuss the topic, don’t just brush them off. Explain the reason you don’t want to talk about it at that point and schedule a time to discuss it later when you can pay full attention and are in the right mindset to respond correctly.

Consider your audience:

Always keep in mind who you’re talking to and communicate in a way that will resonate with them.

Don’t judge:

This one’s pretty self-explanatory… don’t form your opinion before you’ve heard all of the facts. Don’t judge people, enter the conversation with an open mind.

Accept differences:

You’re not going to agree with everyone on everything, and it doesn’t necessarily mean either of you are wrong. You have different views, for different reasons. You need to enter conversations accepting that you’re going to encounter disagreements at times; but you still can’t deny them their right to express how they feel/think. Allow them a safe space to express their opinion and express yours respectfully and thoughtfully. Discuss the differences, try to understand each other’s point of view, don’t just shut down when you don’t agree with someone’s perspective.

Emotions and Validation:

The ability to understand and validate (and avoid invalidating) someone else’s emotions is one of the most advanced, yet important aspects of communication. Most of the problems that arise within relationships are due to a lack of communication, and even more than that, a result of an individual’s response to their invalidated feelings.

You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings, or even think that their emotional response is warranted, that’s not what validation is. Validation simply shows that you acknowledge and understand what they are feeling and their reasons for feeling that way (whether logical/rational or not), in a way that isn’t trying to talk them out of their feelings or make them feel ashamed for feeling that way.

Validation can be easy and difficult depending on the situation. If you agree with someone and their feelings, it’s so easy to validate them; chances are you don’t even realise you’re doing it. The problem arises when you don’t agree with someone’s feelings or reactions; when there’s conflict. Sadly, this is usually the moment that validation is most crucial and would save a lot of difficulty.

Invalidation can cause many negative reactions and feelings in a person, a lot of the time invalidation will cause someone to stop hearing/being open to what you have to say, even if deep down they know you’re right or making a good point; because they’re feeling misunderstood, and possibly even attacked. One of the hardest parts is that it can be so subtle that we’re not always aware that we’re doing it; most of the time invalidation isn’t us intending to be cruel or hurtful, it’s simply us trying to explain ourselves.

In moments of conflict/disagreement it can be so difficult to find the motivation to overcome the emotional instincts we have to reject their emotions, ignore, judge, explain why they shouldn’t feel it, etc. This is because it isn’t how we would react; it doesn’t fit in with our experiences and view of the world. Fighting off these instincts can be even more challenging when we’re fearful, tired, frustrated, or harbouring any resentment towards the person, situation or topic at hand — and doesn’t conflict always seem to arise at these times?

On top of being unaware of when we’re being invalidating, we can also, unintentionally, be somewhat insensitive and lack understanding for other’s needs. People need different levels of validation, and some people can feel like they’re being invalidated more easily than others. For instance, when people are going through a rough patch in life, have experienced loss, are highly sensitive, insecure, or have low self-esteem, the need to be validated can be higher, and the feeling of being invalidated can be more intense and have a greater impact on them.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve experienced a conflict/misunderstanding with someone, and the more you both try to explain, emotions started to rise, and you stopped really hearing each other? Chances are, one or neither of you felt validated, leading to your emotions and defences heightening, and logic/rationality going straight out the window.

So, what does invalidation even look like? I’m sure we can all picture the obvious signs; minimising, name-calling, blaming and ignoring. But what about the more subtle forms? It can be as small as facial expressions, body language, word choices, sighs, rolling eyes and raised eyebrows.

Some examples of invalidating responses include:

· ‘Don’t be upset, you need to get over it’

· ‘You’re the only one who feels that way’

· ‘It’s not normal to feel/respond in this way’

· ‘Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding.’

· ‘You’re too sensitive/emotional.’

· ‘It’s really not a big deal.’

· ‘You’re not being rational’

· ‘You never think of anyone but yourself’

· ‘You should be over that by now’

· ‘Why do you always have to do this’

· ‘I’m sick of hearing about it’

· ‘Don’t look so sad’

These responses have the power to isolate and humiliate someone. They can fill them with shame and guilt, make them questions themselves, make them feel rejected; as if they’re defective in some way. It’s unlikely that they were said with any malice, or intent to cause these feelings in the other person. A lot of the time they’re said with the best of intentions in an attempt to help or make someone understand and see that their feelings may not be quite right. Sadly, they often have the opposite effect.

Feelings are a natural reaction, regardless of how rational or irrational they may be. There’s very little someone can do to stop their feelings from occurring, and attempting to do so is ridiculously draining, frustrating, and pointless. No matter what the feeling, or the situation, every single person’s feelings are real. You don’t have to agree with, understand, or like the way someone’s feeling, but that doesn’t make the experience any less real for them.

Trying to reject someone’s feelings is like trying to reject reality — all feelings are real, whether they’re right or wrong. Rejecting and fighting feelings will never make them go away, it may quell them for a short amount of time, but they’ll build up and burst straight back out again. The only way to truly deal with feelings, is to accept them, accept their existence, accept why that person’s feeling that way; then you can try to overcome and manage them better. But attempting to deal with feelings without accepting them first is futile, people need to feel heard, understood and accepted before any progress can be made.

What are some ways we can become better at validating and avoid invalidating someone’s feelings?

Understand their history — In our minds, even if not fully, part of us believes our actions, reactions and feelings make sense because of our past experiences. An amazing way to validate someone’s feelings is to acknowledge their past experiences and letting them know that their reactions make sense based on those past experiences — whether they suit the situation at hand or not. Understanding a person’s past and how it effects their thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the present can have a huge impact on their mental state and their beliefs; it has the power to change. But it must be acknowledged and understood. Assuming that the past shouldn’t impact the way you feel now might be well intentioned, but it’s not the reality. People take a long time to overcome the challenges of their past and being met with understanding and kindness is the best way to progress.

Humanise — Reassuring someone that their feelings are natural and they’re only human can impact the weight/intensity of the emotion greatly. It humanises them and makes it easier to accept and overcome the emotion.

At the end of the day, we’re all human. We all have feelings, and we all get overwhelmed. You’re never going to be amazing at validating someone at every moment. It’s hard, and some days it’s just harder than others. But we do need to be aware of it, and practice validation whenever we can. It builds deeper connections, leads to understanding, and can help fix most problems in communicating.

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